The three things my husband taught me about men
1. “Guys. Do. Not. Share. Beds. Ever.” Who knew? I learned this one recently, after asking why one of my husband’s friends had to sleep on the floor on an overnight bike trip. I was curious. Surely there were exceptions to this mandate. Girls share beds on overnight trips all the time. I asked, “What about brothers?” No. “What about best friends?” Definitely not. “What if you can’t decide who sleeps on the floor and one guy wants to share a bed?” My husband looked at me like I had a third eye, and he said, “Then you DEFINITELY take the floor! God!” Sheesh. I was just asking.
2. A clean car is KING. I don’t understand this one, and I don’t comply, but I have found this to be universally true. The last time we drove my car, my husband looked like a broken man. My car depresses him with its empty lipstick tubes, tissues, Diet Dr. Pepper cans, sweatshirts, gymbag, magazines, books, newspapers…well, you get the idea. A few years ago, he bought me a pretty white trash can to put in the backseat (which incidentally my mom loved because she thought it was a new lampshade for the longest time), but stuff ended up all AROUND the trash can, not in it. To him, what I DESERVE to drive is a 1955 Dodge Dart with rusted floorboards littered with trash and no spare tire (because it’s already on the car). He’s never said that, but he doesn’t have to. Some things you just know.
3. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.” Okay, this one took me a while to learn. If he asks you what you want for your birthday, don’t say: “Oh, don’t worry about it” unless you really mean it. And if you’re really pissed off and he asks what’s wrong, don’t say “Nothing” if it’s not true. Men are pretty literal. You have to lay it out there, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Guys just don’t get the nuance of the passive-aggressive “You should have known!” thing that women sometimes do. After too many Christmases of old-lady drugstore perfume, I started making a list. Requests have to be specific. As in: “For Valentine’s Day I’d like a mushy card with more than just your name in it.” Romantic? No. But it gets results.