“You lie!”

GRIN #10

Channeling my inner Joe Wilson (the feisty South Carolina Republican), I very nearly shouted this at Chick-fil-A last night when I overheard a man say Wake County Schools were closed yet AGAIN today. Seriously? The snow is gone, people! Finished! We’re already a great big joke to the Northerners, quit making it worse.

Forget about mandatory year-round schooling, what about “Mandatory Take Your Child to Work Day?” Because I’m on day three of that and, folks, it’s not pretty.

Yesterday, before 10 a.m. I successfully answered these questions:

  • Where do blueberries grow?
  • Why doesn’t dad’s razor cut him?
  • Why won’t the bathroom door lock?
  • Why can’t we go sledding?

The one I couldn’t answer: How does the mirror work?

How in the hell should I know? I’m an over-educated writer with not even the slightest grasp on physics, geography, math, accounting, art, theater, music and, God, this is getting depressing. Furthermore, “No, you CANNOT use my computer because, oh yeah, I AM WORKING!”

We have a computer upstairs in the game room that my six-year-old could use, but my husband stripped it for parts and now it sits dark and morose.  “Can you fix that so Tyler can play on it while I work?” Grunt. Sigh. Shuffle. “It’s just one more day,” he said. “That you’re not HERE,” I said, glowering. He wouldn’t last two hours and I’m on Day 5 (counting the weekend of course).

Speaking of glowering, I’m getting really good at my death stares. I don’t care how well you plan, what snacks you provide, who’s over for a playdate, or even if you go out and buy a brand-new Wii game, because I’ve done all of that. It’s when I get on the phone with the director of oncology at Duke who, by the way, is in the middle of explaining breakthroughs and advances in cancer over the past decade that you hear: “Moooom! Mom? The game is frozen, Mom! What do we do??”

Of course this calls for a face-to-face meeting. When he appears on the landing that overlooks my office, I stand up and point my finger at him and shake it hard, hard, hard and give him the death stare, then put my fingers to my lips for silence, praying he gets the message, all the while saying into the phone, “That’s amazing. This is such an exciting time to be in the field.”

Of course I’ve tried to make arrangements. I’ve had kids over here and people have had my son over, but, frankly, we’re all a little weary. I called a friend last night and left a message. She did not call back. She knows what I want. I’m not the only parent who feels this way. The N&O even ran a story about it this morning: http://www.newsobserver.com/news/weather/story/317827.html. Be brave Wake County. Have school tomorrow. It’s going to be okay.

I think my husband is secretly enjoying my distress, silently laughing at me. This morning he said, “There will probably be a two-hour delay tomorrow since it’s supposed to freeze tonight.” He didn’t even crack a smile.

“Shut up!!” I shouted. “Or he’s going with you tomorrow.” That would get the computer fixed, I”m sure of it.

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8 Responses to ““You lie!””

  1. Heck yea. it would.. if it has to do with the men.. it gets fixed.. it you need it fixed.. it can wait… love this one… I thought of you last night when Wake County popped on the screen as closed…..

  2. Amen, sister. Amen.

  3. Two words: Charter school. Remember the bilingual Montessori school that I was bragging about the other night? Yea, they don’t follow Wake County’s schedule. The two hour delays on Tues and Wed were irritating, but I know it could be worse. Oh, and I have found an amazing technique for the interruptions –

    I lock the door to the computer room. This even works as a secondary technique as in “Do I have to lock the door?” I am a genius. Don’t worry, we have smoke alarms.

  4. Hey! I’ve been reading your blog to my mom since she doesn’t have her computer right now. Of course she laughs her a$$ off! Just now, I read this one and she said, “Chrissy is young Erma Bombeck that just hasn’t been discovered yet.” She said you can make hanging out the laundry funny!!!

    • Ah, you made my night!! I wish! I loved Erma Bombeck. That brings a smile to my face even as I transcribe cancer tape–interesting but so tedious. BUT, school is on tomorrow one hour delay. Let’s chat this weekend, maybe? LOVED your gold email. It was perfect girl; you didn’t need me. You had me from the beginning:)) Love you!!!

  5. Christine Says:

    I also do the finger wave, death stare…glad to know I’m not alone!

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