Is this you? What’s grosser than gross…

GRIN # 16

Ah, I hate to blog about this, but it has to be done. There are certain necessary requirements folks  just have to meet if they want to participate successfully in this thing called life. I’m going to go blind if I keep seeing this stuff. Below, let’s review:

1. BATHING: Unlike exercising, bathing is NOT optional. This is actually an everyday activity. If you notice that people move away from you in public places, it’s because YOU SMELL LIKE A HORSE.

2. RESTROOM VISITS: I don’t care if you’ve touched yourself or not, your hands have been down in your nether regions, so head for the sink and lather up, if only for appearances. Because if word gets out, trust me, you’re ruined.

3. LONG FINGERNAILS ON A MAN: There is absolutely no excuse for this. It is revolting, repugnant, repulsive and any other “r” word from my thesaurus that I’ve missed. Unless you have a raging drug habit, in which case you have bigger problems than hygiene, cut ’em OFF. PLEASE. God, that felt good to get off my chest.

4. PRIVATE THINGS IN PUBLIC PLACES: Where to start? Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed. In addition to avoiding wedgie-removal, nose-picking and fingernail clipping (although I’ll allow it if you’re violating number three), be mindful of any ample displays of cleavage (of both bum and bosom). And I have to give a shout-out to my personal favorite, stomach cleavage, wherein the over-sized man in the tiny t-shirt reveals (GAG, SHUDDER) the painful-looking crease between his bulging stomach and aforementioned nether regions. PLEASE BUY A BIGGER SHIRT. BORROW ONE. STEAL ONE. THE POLICE WILL UNDERSTAND.

5. YOUR TONGUE RING: I don’t want to learn Morse Code. You sound like a clacking Elmer Fudd and that stud is giving you simultaneous lead poisoning and bad breath. I’m just saying.

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