Sister (the farting dog)

GRIN # 20

Okay, it’s time to write about Sister (the farting dog). My six-year-old son added that last part. I try not to say “fart” in front of him, but Sister got so frequent with her gas passage that I forgot to watch my language. For example: “Damn, Sister, quit farting!” after which Tyler explodes into peals of laughter much like he does if you say “but,” or the letter “P.” Bathroom humor.

Sister is our almost 16-year-old golden retriever mix. She weighs about 40 pounds and resembles a water buffalo, due to the giant scruff of hair on her shoulders and her hairless back. This year her back hair didn’t grow back after we shaved her for the summer. Some men should be so lucky.

You can’t get mad at Sister for farting because she’s old and she has perpetual bad hair-day due to a thyroid problem. Plus, she’s a great dog. She doesn’t jump, and you can leave her outside all day and she never leaves the yard. Okay, occasionally she leaves the yard. And when you call her to come back, she never does. At least while you’re outside. You have to go inside, wait a few minutes, and then go back outside where you’ll find her on the porch panting: “Oh, hey! I’ve been here the whole time.” This is her way of insisting she never left. So she’s smart, too.

And neurotic. If you don’t take off her dress (that’s her collar) before dinner, she won’t eat because she hates her tags clinking against her food bowl. Over the years she’s become terrified of the wood and tile floors in our house. As a result, she hovers half in and half out of a room, moaning out of frustration, trying to get up the nerve to cross the great divide. All paths have to be clear for her to try; shoes, backpacks, and big packs of toilet paper produce further moaning.

Actually, the more I think about it, Sister is kind of a pain in the ass. She’s expensive too. It costs us more than a $100 a month to feed Sister a special vet diet and that’s not counting her medicine. Her farting could quite possibly be fixed if I took her to the vet, but my pockets aren’t that deep. So I’m getting used to it.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I love that big old farting dog. She keeps me company while I write, and every two hours or so she situates herself by the mailbox and just watches the world go by. I’d like to be more like Sister, I think. Well. Except for the farting part.


4 Responses to “Sister (the farting dog)”

  1. Oh I love sister too!!! And who did she learn the farting from!?? haha

  2. She really is the best dog…aside from Dutchess, of course! She is the absolute sweetest dog I have ever know…a big step up from Ginger, your dog from high school! I would take Sister farting over Ginger barking, any day of the week!!!

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