Brats, meatballs, and meatloaf–no way.
The other morning I went on a walk with one of my neighbors after the bus came to pick up the kids.
“You know, Chrissy, I think I might nominate you for that show Worst Cooks in America on the Food Network.”
“Me? I would never qualify for that show,” I said. “I’m not that bad.”
“Yeah. I think you would,” she said. “Those rotisserie chickens I was reading about. That’s just…sad.”
“Well, thanks!” (I think).
So she did. She reported back that if I was selected I’d have to cook for someone (producers, chefs, who knows?) I could do that. My lasagna’s not too bad, and I can always cook chicken noodle soup. My neighbor was impatient with me when I brought this up. “No! You don’t want to cook good for them; you want to cook really badly.”
Oh ye of little faith. Of course I can cook badly. All of this got me thinking about the list of things I never cook. If I attempted something I never cook, the result would definitely be repulsive. Upon further contemplation, I realized two things: 1. It’s an odd list and 2. I need counseling.
Foods I don’t make and the reasons why:
- Meatloaf: Self-explanatory. It’s a loaf of meat and you have to put your hands in it.
- Brats: God. Where to begin? The most phallic of all foods, brats also have a disgusting outer covering that crunches like the burnt skin that it is. I feel nauseous just writing that.
- Meatballs: Again with the phallic, again with the hands in the meat.
- Hamburger patties: Hands. Meat.
- Some pork: Non-explanatory (that’s a made-up word that means I have no reason).
So we’re limited to ground beef and chicken and…my husband is shouting this from the living room “anything bland, anything pasta and anything Crock Pot.” Well, what’s wrong with that? Just tonight I did some chicken noodle soup in the Crock Pot, although it wasn’t one of my best, I’ll admit. Once I added the noodles, it got really starchy and the whole thing tasted like noodle water. Whatever. It was fine with a little hot sauce.
Tomorrow: The top two most disgusting foods….