Brats, meatballs, and meatloaf–no way.

GRIN #24

The other morning I went on a walk with one of my neighbors after the bus came to pick up the kids.

“You know, Chrissy, I think I might nominate you for that show Worst Cooks in America on the Food Network.”

“Me? I would never qualify for that show,” I said. “I’m not that bad.”

“Yeah. I think you would,” she said. “Those rotisserie chickens I was reading about. That’s just…sad.”

“Well, thanks!” (I think).

So she did. She reported back that if I was selected I’d have to cook for someone (producers, chefs, who knows?) I could do that. My lasagna’s not too bad, and I can always cook chicken noodle soup. My neighbor was impatient with me when I brought this up. “No! You don’t want to cook good for them; you want to cook really badly.”

Oh ye of little faith. Of course I can cook badly. All of this got me thinking about the list of things I never cook. If I attempted something I never cook, the result would definitely be repulsive. Upon further contemplation, I realized two things: 1. It’s an odd list and 2. I need counseling.

Foods I don’t make and the reasons why:

  1. Meatloaf: Self-explanatory. It’s a loaf of meat and you have to put your hands in it.
  2. Brats: God. Where to begin? The most phallic of all foods, brats also have a disgusting outer covering that crunches like the burnt skin that it is. I feel nauseous just writing that.
  3. Meatballs: Again with the phallic, again with the hands in the meat.
  4. Hamburger patties: Hands. Meat.
  5. Some pork: Non-explanatory (that’s a made-up word that means I have no reason).

So we’re limited to ground beef and chicken and…my husband is shouting this from the living room “anything bland, anything pasta and anything Crock Pot.” Well, what’s wrong with that? Just tonight I did some chicken noodle soup in the Crock Pot, although it wasn’t one of my best, I’ll admit. Once I added the noodles, it got really starchy and the whole thing tasted like noodle water. Whatever. It was fine with a little hot sauce.

Tomorrow: The top two most disgusting foods….


7 Responses to “Brats, meatballs, and meatloaf–no way.”

  1. But do you eat meatballs, brats, and meatloaf? What’s the difference in eating and cooking, you use your hands and put the phallic thing in your mouth! YIKES!!!!

  2. I would say that butternut squash is more phallic than brats. Check one out next time you go to the store. I make butternut squash pretty often and just for fun I leave the squash on the countertop for a few days. Nice conversation starter!

  3. Chrissy… You can’t say things like you make scrumptious lasagne or chicken noodle soup and have people think you are one of the worst cooks in America. At the very least let it be known that this is you pulling out all the stops! I am looking forward to rooting for you on TV chiffinonading your brains out! 🙂

    • That sounds downright dirty–chiffinonading. I have no idea what that is! And, yes, I can see how butternut squash is phallic, but at least it’s not meat. I think it’s the raw meat aspect that gets me. Maybe I’m a closet vegetarian. Yeah, Dawn, pickled pigs ears definitely counts.

    • Oh, yeah, Michelle, nothing I make is “scrumptious” but thanks for thinking it could be!

  4. I was recently in a grocery store in Pensacola Florida. They had on the shelf, pickled pig ears … they were died red ( i guess brining with beet juice). Can I put in a vote for that as the most disgusting food item??

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