What’s your reality?

GRIN #409

It’s occurring to me that several of the shows I watch I can’t even remotely relate to.

Take Master Chef. Both my sister and I love that show, and on our vacay recently we  whisked my mother off to the master bedroom to watch it because the men in the living room wouldn’t shut the hell up.

We pushed my mom to the center of the king-sized bed, while my sister and I  took the outside so we’d each have an end-table for our drinks.

Soon Gordon Ramsey was giving directions for the mystery box challenge.

“My God, a vegetarian mystery box challenge! That’s hard!” I yelled.

“There better be portobello mushrooms in there,” my sister said, shaking her head.

My mother was cradling her wine in the center of the bed looking like she’d been hijacked.

“What’s wrong, Mom?”

Why are we watching this?” she asked.

We looked at her. “What do you mean? This is a great show!”

She pointed at my sister. “You never cook. Your husband cooks.”

Then she turned to me, accusingly. “And you! You struggle daily with cooking. HOURLY! Why would you spend your free time watching this? This is a horrible show. Who cares?

Same thing with Man vs. Wild.

“Shhh, ya’ll hush. Bear is going to show us how to use parachute straps to make a teepee.”

Or transform pee into drinking water. Or skin a deer and use its pelt to keep warm in the frozen tundra.

Or some other ridiculously impressive skill that I’ll never ever need because as my husband puts it: “We don’t camp.”

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a reality show that was both entertaining and dispensed useful information?

Such as:

  • What to say to the biotch behind you in the checkout lane who is hitting you in the heels with her cart when it’ still your turn!
  • How to be graceful when someone gives you crappy directions and then triumphantly announces your late arrival: “Here she is!”
  • What to do when you finally find a restroom only to discover–after the fact–that you’re alone and out of toilet paper.
  • The perfect response to: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”
  • A better excuse than “It’s too damn hot!” for why you can’t volunteer for field day.
  • How to look just a tiny bit better when your head is encased in foil at the beauty salon.
  • How to pose in a bathing suit so you’ll look ten pounds thinner.
  • Ten reasons confirming why you should NEVER pose in a bathing suit.
  • What to do with a pound of turkey bacon that expires tomorrow.
  • How to get dog diarrhea stains out of the carpet.

Survival indeed. Now that’s a show I would watch.

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