Archive for the Food for thought Category

Tiger update

Posted in Food for thought with tags , , , , , , on April 2, 2012 by cwgala

GRIN #433

Man, I’m getting bad about posting. I apologize for that. I have a whole list of GRINS I want to blog about, but paying work is keeping me busy–a very good thing, indeed.

We’ve also been traveling quite a bit lately and those trips have reminded how annoying feeding the “Tiger” can be.

The Tiger is my husband, who, because of hypoglycemia and a freakish love for intense exercise, has to eat about every 90 minutes to two hours. Normally, the Tiger is at work and he deals with this by purchasing and consuming whole chickens in one sitting. No one believes me when I talk about how much he eats until they see it in person.

Back in January, in Florida, each morning I’d just make as many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as I could and stuff them in the backpack. It worked at Legoland, but at Seaworld, the staff searched the pack at the gate and threw them away.

It was only 10:15, and the Tiger was already looking weak. This is always how it begins. Then he starts moaning and groaning and sweating. Unsympathetically, I usually say something like, “Oh, for God’s sake! We just ate!” We ended up buying the Tiger an all-you-can-eat pass the two days we were there. He wore that thing out; I think the food staff actually shuddered when they saw him coming.

I find myself daydreaming sometimes about donating poundage to the Tiger. Like instead of a kidney or something. And some magazine would do a write-up about what a generous, loving wife I am.

On that note, wouldn’t that be fantastic if we could donate pounds to those in need? Can you imagine the charitable women all over the U.S. elbowing each other out of the way and screaming at one another? I was here first! What a great reality show that would be, with instantaneous “before” and “after” pictures.

But I digress, in other Tiger news:

  • A neighbor donated a 20-lb bag of Basmati rice that her husband wasn’t crazy about, and the Tiger is steadily working his way through it. I make him a cup and he pours in a can of black beans, cheese, grocery store chicken and hot sauce. That’s one feeding, usually at 9:30 a.m. Yeah, I said “a.m.” The bag looks like something the United Nations would have on hand for foreign aid, but whatever.
  • The Tiger is now highly suspicious of eating at “Tapas” restaurants, which he learned about in Florida. “Tapas” is Spanish for “small plates” where people pass the plates and share the dishes.  At my suggestion, we went to a Tapas place while on vacation. “Why are you ordering so many things?” the Tiger asked. “Because we’re supposed to share,” I explained. Then the food came. “Share what?” the Tiger asked. “There’s not enough here for even one person!”
  • Sweet Tomatoes, a local chain with a huge salad bar and a selection of soups, breads and pastas, has been blacklisted. “I don’t get this place. Where’s the meat?” the Tiger asked, sounding like the little old lady in the hit Wendy’s commercial from the 80s. I reminded him, “You don’t have to eat meat at every meal.” Of course, that fell on deaf ears; the Tiger thinks vegetarians become vegetarians simply to be annoying. That’s probably politically incorrect, but there it is.  
  • I discovered the Tiger’s vast collection of hot sauce could be keeping him thin; I read somewhere that people who consume a lot of hot sauce burn fat faster. I’m tempted to dump the Tiger’s collection, but then hed have nothing to mask the taste of my cooking. In a cost vs. benefits analysis, I decided that would just create more problems than it solves.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m down to a half-roll of toilet paper and still have to grab something for dinner.

I’ll just get a grocery store chicken. Or three.


The tuna fish diet

Posted in Food for thought with tags , , , , , on July 17, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN # 407

I’ve decided that in order to look at least halfway presentable I just have to keep all the sweet stuff out of the house.

ALL of it.

Initially this declaration was met with a lot of resistance.

“Soooo, just because you have no willpower, the rest of us have to suffer?” Jerry asked after I explained the new arrangement.


But then I caved because they are two hungry boys and they’re both so, well, skinny! So I bought sweet snacks that are gross–things I knew I wouldn’t eat.

Like oatmeal pies, with the nasty cream in the middle.

But it only took a day or two before I was eating those thinking, “You know, these aren’t half bad.”

Next, I bought Pecan Twirls–those dry, circular cakes with weeks-old pecans mushed in.

But they have a certain charm when you unroll the whole cake and wash it down with a Diet Mountain Dew.

Next on the list:  Fig Newtons, a true embarrassment to high fructose deliciousness. I couldn’t imagine how I could deign to “sneak” a Fig Newton (and would that even be cheating?), but I didn’t trust myself, so I went back to my original  moratorium.

But today I discovered there may be a way the boys can have their oatmeal pies and eat them too.

As I was making a fruit salad for Tyler’s end-0f-the-year baseball party, Jerry came home from a ride and started making a tuna fish sandwich right next to me.

“REALLY?” I asked.  “You’re seriously going to open that nastiness right next to me?”

It’s hard to even describe how gross tuna fish is to me, but I’ll try. Let’s see: cat food. The garbage can with the lid open. Your dog’s long overdue anal-gland-squeeze at the vet.

Then it dawned on me.

I could just open a few cans of tuna and set them around the house like dead-body-smell air fresheners. Then I won’t want to eat, well, AT ALL.

There’s nothing like a little dry-heaving to keep you motivated.

Back in the saddle

Posted in Food for thought, On the Road with tags , , , , , , on July 10, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN # 406

You’ll forgive me, won’t you? For not having written? I ducked off to the beach for a week for a writing-free break with my extended fam.

I took it seriously, too. I wouldn’t even write in the guest book at the house we rented.

But much blog fodder was gained during that time and at least one thing proved. My family finally believes me when it comes to the Tiger, my forever-eating and ultimately insatiable husband.

In a fit of hunger after a golf game with my brother-in-law, the Tiger ate nearly a whole pan of baked ziti, intended for dinner the following night. The remains were discovered by my sister.

“Who ATE all of this?”  she asked.

“The tiger,” I answered simply. I’d seen it happening, sighing as he returned from the kitchen a second time, his plate piled high with noodles, cheese and beef. He was a happy man indeed.

I didn’t have the heart to stop him–even though he was eating a meal for eight.

“Well, now, what are we going to do?”

I shrugged: See? See what I endure?

Same problem, different day. Whateva.

Pizza saved the day, as it always does.

How to make the perfect freeze pop

Posted in Food for thought on June 26, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN # 404

1. Buy  freeze pops.

2. Freeze freeze pops.

3. Thaw freeze pops on deck railing.

4. Pour in a cup and enjoy.

That’s how we do it at our house. For some. weird. ass. reason.

We be jammin’

Posted in Food for thought with tags , , , , , on June 8, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN # 399

Tyler’s favorite dessert at Chick-fil-A. He pocketed four on the way out last night. Realized it only as he was eating one in the car. Sigh.

Your next treat: Indescribable deliciousness

Posted in Food for thought with tags , , , , , on May 4, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN# 391

Found on a conference table at a Triangle business.

Okay, so maybe practically everything in our great nation is made in China, but they have a thing or two to learn about packaging and marketing.

The tagline on this butter and salt candy (whatever that is!!): “I am sorry that I cannot tell the deliciousness of this in a single word.”

Well, you could try. Besides, we don’t want to hear about your work problems. A side note: If someone asks how you are here, we don’t really want to know.

And another thing: What is up with the freakin’ cow on the label? Livestock graphics aren’t like photos of good-looking people, which you can put on any product. This is not India. And, while we’re on the subject, candy is typically not salty or buttery. I think “sweet” is the word you’re looking for.

One more thing: Pick a language!!

Big-ass berries

Posted in Food for thought with tags , , on April 7, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN #386

Strawberries on steroids.