Archive for the So true Category

I’ll have what THOSE writers are having

Posted in So true with tags , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2012 by cwgala

GRIN #428

Have you ever bought a deal from Living Social, Groupon or Twongo?

Of course you have! Those deals are everywhere. I’m addicted to them, although my secret fear is they’re all going to go out of business (because, really, how does anyone make any money?) and I’ll be left with a vouchers for steak knives, teeth whitening and carpet cleaning.

Anyway, the writers of these deals have their hands full trying to entice customers with a snappy sales pitch that jumps right off the page.

Most of the time they succeed.

But sometimes they get a little punchy. If you have to write too many things, too fast and everything is expected to be clever and fabulous, you’re eventually going to start sounding like you’ve fallen down Alice’s rabbit hole or found some really good drugs.

Keep an eye out and you’ll see what I mean. I have fun trying to guess what they’re selling before reading more.

A few examples, coincidentally, or not, all from Groupon:

  • Neglected cars try to escape their owners by parking in tow zones or running away from their garages to join the demolition derby. Keep custody of your car with today’s Groupon to Neo Automotive. Uhhh, obedience lessons for your vehicle? 
  • America has always been the most extreme country, from the Boston Tea Punchings to having the first man swear on the moon. We hold this shredding guitar solo to be self-evident with today’s deal to the.…. No idea on this one.  Any guesses?
  • Last one: Unlike serpents, humans can’t subsist solely on their own tails. Consume endless dinners with today’s Groupon: for $10, you get buffet-style cuisine for two people during lunch or dinner at Golden Corral. Okay. I gave that one away, but I can’t get over the visual of humans subsisting on their own tails. Probably not quite the branding Golden Corral had in mind: “Come on in to the food trough, folks, and eat your ass off.”
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How did you know?

Posted in So true with tags , , , , , , on October 27, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN # 423

The other night as we were turning in for bed, Jerry complained of his lips being really dry.

So I said, “Oh, here, use my Chap Stick.” Because I’m a Chap Stick addict and I have tubes everywhere, including one on the night stand. I don’t even care. There are way worse things I could be addicted to.

“No, that’s okay,” Jerry said. “I’ll just wait til morning.”

“You’ll sleep with me but you won’t share my Chap Stick?” I asked. “That makes no sense at all.”

“Let me see it,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I bet it has a rounded tip because you put it on weird and glom it all around your mouth.”

Glom? 

“No I don’t!”

So I showed it to him and damn if he wasn’t right!

“How did you know that?” I was a little amazed.

“The same way I know your toothpaste tube is in a mangled wreck right now at the sink and that it’s probably all clogged up. You just use whatever will come out, don’t you?”

“Doesn’t everybody?”

“Normal people get a tissue and clean it off until it’s unclogged. And squeeze the tube from the bottom.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, that takes way too much time. I’m in a hurry. What else do you know about me?” I asked.

“That there will always be a big tennis shoe to trip over in the middle of the night because you leave your shoes everywhere. And you never let the car warm up. And the pool towels will always be draped over my bikes in the garage and…”

“Fine! That’s enough. You know me,” I said, getting into bed. “Do you want to use the Chap Stick or not?”

“No.”

“Why?

“It’s called ‘Soft Lips.'”

“So?”

“It’s girly stuff.”

“I’m girly. And I’m in the bedroom.”

That shut him up.

Yeah. Score one for the toothpaste-mangling, chap-stick-rounding girly girl. Finally.

The talk…

Posted in So true with tags , , on October 10, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN #421

When Tyler asked me how babies were made a few days ago, I did what I’d promised myself I’d never do: I ignored his question.

Oy. I really didn’t want to tell him this young. Then again, I’d rather he hear it from me than another kid.

And I remembered I was eight when I asked my mom, after which I bellowed, “THAT IS DISGUSTING!”

Feeling guilty, I asked Tyler a few days later if he still wanted to know.

“Yes,” he said. “I mean, do you just get lucky?”

Oh, I should have just said “Yes” and ended it there, adding a disclaimer like  “The guy gets lucky and the girl gets pregnant.” But I figured that was cheating.

Instead I sighed and said, “Well, first, you have a man and a woman who are MARRIED and IN LOVE….” Now, I know this isn’t always true, but it’s my version and I figured I might as well open with it.

“Mom, I know that! I mean, how are they made?”

At that point I decided it would be a good idea to borrow a line from one of the websites I’d googled after he asked the first time. “Well. The man gives love to the woman and then a baby grows in her belly and comes it out when it’s ready.” Even to me it sounded vague and confusing.

“What? But how? I don’t get it.”

ARGhghghghgh. He wasn’t going to let me off the hook. So, finally, I told him the real deal, plain and simple, careful not to give too much information, but using the correct terms.

Silence.

“I know it’s confusing and it may sound weird, but it’s a very beautiful thing,” I added hopefully.

Tyler looked dubious. And confused.

“Are you confused?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. But I know one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Now I really don’t want to get married!”

I guess you could say Mission, not accomplished.

Back to the drawing board and, maybe, the library.

I’m washing my hands of…

Posted in So true with tags , , , , , on September 24, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN # 419

I’m turning 40 next month. I’m actually really excited about it except for the fact that I look so damn old.

But forty is going to be cool. I’m thinking I have enough experience to be able to accurately predict how some things are gonna turn out.

In my twenties and thirties, I’d say “Fishing? Yeah, let’s do it!”

“Golf? Sounds like fun.”

But I’ve learned. No more. Because I know how these things are going to turn out.

The last time I played golf, I cried. First because it was taking me so many shots for movement of any kind and next because the manager ordered my sister and me off the course because we were taking too long. But before I cried at him, I yelled at him because I was embarrassed. Then I cried. Again.  Just to clarify.

But fishing is worse. I really gave fishing a good try because there are a lot of fishermen in my family.

This is how THAT goes:

Bait your hook and wait.

Wait some more.

Reel in line. Replace missing bait.

Eat some snacks.

Wait.

Put on sunscreen.

Try a new location.

Bait hook.

Wait.

Eat more snacks.

Drink. Alcohol, if its handy.

Scratch mosquito bites.

Ponder if it’s possible to die of boredom.

Beg to go home.

Beg again.

Cry as the sun starts to set.

Offer to go BUY fish.

Make mental note to bag both golf and fishing–FOREVER.

When I was a kid…

Posted in So true, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 2, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN # 414

The other night Tyler was pondering how great life would be if there were no commercials on television.

“At least you can fast forward through them,” I said. “When I was a kid you just had to watch them. And change the channel by hand.”

He had no idea what I was talking about.

“You also had to rewind a cassette to hear your favorite song again. There were no CDs.”

“What’s a cassette?”

I was too disgusted to answer. But later that day I was cutting up a seedless watermelon. He waited patiently.

“That’s another thing,” I said. “We didn’t have seedless watermelons when I was a kid. You just had to eat around the seeds! Isn’t it nice to eat a big slice of seedless watermelon? And I remember when we got our first microwave! No one knew how to use them. My dad put a pizza in one for 14 minutes one time. It was awful.”

“And ice cream!” I continued. “It was so bad back then. My mom used to buy ice milk–ugh. None of the awesome flavors you have today. And there was no Wii or computers, just this thing called Atari.”

Tyler asked: “What about electricity? Did you have that?”

The sad thing was, he was serious.

I handed him his watermelon slice. “Yes, we had electricity, ding dong. Go outside; I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

I guess I had that coming.

What’s your reality?

Posted in So true with tags , , , , , on July 28, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN #409

It’s occurring to me that several of the shows I watch I can’t even remotely relate to.

Take Master Chef. Both my sister and I love that show, and on our vacay recently we  whisked my mother off to the master bedroom to watch it because the men in the living room wouldn’t shut the hell up.

We pushed my mom to the center of the king-sized bed, while my sister and I  took the outside so we’d each have an end-table for our drinks.

Soon Gordon Ramsey was giving directions for the mystery box challenge.

“My God, a vegetarian mystery box challenge! That’s hard!” I yelled.

“There better be portobello mushrooms in there,” my sister said, shaking her head.

My mother was cradling her wine in the center of the bed looking like she’d been hijacked.

“What’s wrong, Mom?”

Why are we watching this?” she asked.

We looked at her. “What do you mean? This is a great show!”

She pointed at my sister. “You never cook. Your husband cooks.”

Then she turned to me, accusingly. “And you! You struggle daily with cooking. HOURLY! Why would you spend your free time watching this? This is a horrible show. Who cares?

Same thing with Man vs. Wild.

“Shhh, ya’ll hush. Bear is going to show us how to use parachute straps to make a teepee.”

Or transform pee into drinking water. Or skin a deer and use its pelt to keep warm in the frozen tundra.

Or some other ridiculously impressive skill that I’ll never ever need because as my husband puts it: “We don’t camp.”

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a reality show that was both entertaining and dispensed useful information?

Such as:

  • What to say to the biotch behind you in the checkout lane who is hitting you in the heels with her cart when it’ still your turn!
  • How to be graceful when someone gives you crappy directions and then triumphantly announces your late arrival: “Here she is!”
  • What to do when you finally find a restroom only to discover–after the fact–that you’re alone and out of toilet paper.
  • The perfect response to: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”
  • A better excuse than “It’s too damn hot!” for why you can’t volunteer for field day.
  • How to look just a tiny bit better when your head is encased in foil at the beauty salon.
  • How to pose in a bathing suit so you’ll look ten pounds thinner.
  • Ten reasons confirming why you should NEVER pose in a bathing suit.
  • What to do with a pound of turkey bacon that expires tomorrow.
  • How to get dog diarrhea stains out of the carpet.

Survival indeed. Now that’s a show I would watch.

A diamond is forever

Posted in So true with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN #401

My recent “what-kind-of-car-is-your-wife” post got me thinking about Jerry and compliments. I don’t know how it is for everybody else out there but my hub just doesn’t really give compliments.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to dog him (although I’m going to end up doing it anyway). He’s very affectionate and demonstrative and, in his defense, I also have to say that he NEVER EVER criticizes. I’m serious.

And he will say, “Good for you!” or “Good job” regarding my work. He’s also really supportive with all the technical stuff and is basically my slave when I have problems and puts up with my crappy impatient attitude that the  computer has to be fixed RIGHT NOW.

But as far as “You look nice,” “You have pretty eyes,” “Your hair smells good” …whatever…he just doesn’t say it. Ever. I could come down the stairs in a garbage bag and he’d say, “You ready?”

Evening gown or trash bag, same answer.

It’s not that he’s never tried. One time he told me something I was wearing looked “slenderizing,” and I could tell he’d been listening to me and my sister for too long.

My mom and sister and I are probably over-complimentary. Before any excursion can take place, we must assess and then douse one another in compliments. It’s required. In fact, it’s just plain rude if you don’t.

“God, I love those shoes!” “Your hair looks so good.”  I’ll admit the oohing and ahhing is time consuming, but it does make you feel good and gets everything off to a great start.

I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or a how-you-were-raised thing or just a personality thing.

Of course I’ve asked Jerry about it–a long time ago when I was naive enough to think I could fix it.

He sighed. “It’s all been said.”

“What are you talking about? When?”

“When I married you, THAT meant not only that I love you but that you’re pretty, skinny, wonderful, everything looks good on you, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t feel that way.”

“What?! That can’t count forever!” I protested.

“Of course it counts forever! That’s what the ring is for.”

Well. A diamond is forever.