The Whole-Pants-Worn-Under-Your-Butt-Cheeks phenomenon: Hasn’t this been going on for YEARS now? When is it going to end? The other day at the mall, I saw a GIRL with her pants half off. Every time I see this, I just want to yell: “Hey, your ass is showing, you dumbass!” Crack ain’t cool, fool.
A thirty-dollar-gummy-bear: This thing is the size of a Smithfield ham. And the salesman told me he sells them all the time. Again, why? Aside from that, how would you even eat it? I eat it with a knife and fork. I roll it in a slice of pork. It’s a Dr. Suess side dish.
Ear gauges: These are dime-sized circles young people, mostly guys, wear in their ears. I’m not sure why. Because it’s cool, I guess. Kinda like the pants-around-the-knees thing. But in 10 years, or maybe even 5, they’re going to have ear flaps. I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing ear lobes are a lot like breasts. And once they get stretched out. Well. You know. It’s not going to be pretty, boys. You’re going to want ear implants. And I’m pretty sure insurance won’t cover it.