Archive for mall

I’m so old I need help understanding…

Posted in Current Events with tags , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2012 by cwgala

GRIN #431

The Whole-Pants-Worn-Under-Your-Butt-Cheeks phenomenon: Hasn’t this been going on for YEARS now? When is it going to end? The other day at the mall, I saw a GIRL with her pants half off. Every time I see this, I just want to yell: “Hey, your ass is showing, you dumbass!” Crack ain’t cool, fool.

A thirty-dollar-gummy-bear: This thing is the size of a Smithfield ham. And the salesman told me he sells them all the time. Again, why? Aside from that, how would you even eat it? I eat it with a knife and fork. I roll it in a slice of pork. It’s a Dr. Suess side dish.  

Ear gauges: These are dime-sized circles young people, mostly guys, wear in their ears. I’m not sure why. Because it’s cool, I guess. Kinda like the pants-around-the-knees thing. But in 10 years, or maybe even 5, they’re going to have ear flaps. I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing ear lobes are a lot like breasts. And once they get stretched out. Well. You know. It’s not going to be pretty, boys. You’re going to want ear implants. And I’m pretty sure insurance won’t cover it.


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“Men at the Mall” talk back

Posted in Mars and Venus with tags , , , , , , on February 3, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN #369

Confession: Occasionally, GRIN entries make it into news, as did my column on men loitering in the bra department at the mall.

I asked, “MEN: Why do you do this?”

And they responded….

  • Andy Ferguson of Cary says he hovers for two reasons: to make sure his wife doesn’t spend too much and to be a nuisance so she will shoo him away to the nearest sports zone.

That’s very passive-aggressive, Andy. I admire it for two reasons: you get points for going to the mall and, ultimately, you get to do what you want. That’s strategy.

  • Chris Ormatar of Worcester Massachusetts said this: “I work long hours and during this season there is much shopping to be done, so it is the mall or hours spent without her and the kids she takes with her.” I guess. I’m so used to guys wanting to get away from the wife and kids. It’s nice you like  them.

Incidentally, Chris said he found it odd that my hubby would refuse to participate in something I obviously enjoy and vice versa. He asked: “Do you never watch football with your husband?”

Actually, Chris, I don’t. Frankly, I tried too hard and I was fired. I asked too many questions, such as “What is a first down?” and “Why is that yellow line on the screen” and “Who are we rootin’ for?” Not surprisingly, we never have Super Bowl plans.

But, sir, point taken. I do categorically make supportive comments when passing through such as, “Hon, they’re playing so well! Awesome.” And he does the same for me. When I get home with a new outfit and try it on he’ll say, “That’s very slenderizing.” (I taught him that, by the way).

  • Richard Talach of Cary admits going to the mall is not his favorite activity, but he makes the best of his time there. He helps with decision-making on what to buy for whom and enjoys stopping by the cigar store to pick up his favorite stogie. He also notices what his wife admires and comes back later to purchase it as a gift.

“It has worked for me over the past 36 years and there’s no going back to the returns counter,” he says. Smart and romantic; I like it. At the end of the day, says Richard, he and his wife share dinner and drinks while he catches the score of the game he missed.

“But who cares? It’s only a game,” he says. “And isn’t your relationship more important? Sometimes the sacrifice is rewarded tenfold. When dealing with Venus, Mars is just being shrewd.”

Ah, Richard. It was perfect until you tacked on that last sentence about being shrewd. Know when to quit, man.

Men at the mall

Posted in Seriously? with tags , , , , on November 15, 2010 by cwgala

GRIN #296

You’ve seen them right? At the mall. They sit on benches and overstuffed chairs; their expressions vary. Some look exhausted. Others angry, forlorn or determined.

Often they clutch bags and boxes. The unluckier ones are stuck with purses.

I imagine some have volunteered for mall duty, though I can’t fathom it. Jerry would rather be shot in the head than go to a mall. He hasn’t been to a mall in about ten years. If I demanded he go with me, I’m pretty certain he’d offer me a cash payment not to go.

Still, I can see where maybe a guy has to pick something up so he goes with his wife and does his thing and waits on a bench while she finishes up. They’re just waiting; they usually look pretty content. Then there are the older gentleman who perhaps come to the mall to walk and partake in a change of scenery.

I get that.

But I want to know about the other guys. The ones who trail their wives into stores. I’ve bumped into them loitering outside of changing rooms, even in the bra department. It pisses me off.

“Why are you not home watching a football game?” I want to shout. “Why don’t you grow a pair? You’re spending your Saturday next to a rack of Maidenform bras. What is wrong with you?”

If I sound passionate about it, I am. I voiced my opinion at the mall yesterday to my sister.

But she had a few theories.

“It’s probably the wife’s birthday and that’s the ONE thing she wants is for him to go shopping with her.”

“Ugh! Why?” I asked.

“Or,” she continued. “Maybe he’s in the dog house for something and coming to the mall is his penance.”

“He could just buy her flowers.”

“I’m just saying. There has to be a reason,” she says.

MEN: Do you recognize yourself? Why are you dragged along to the mall? Why do you stand for it? Maybe you enjoy it. If you do, that’s okay, just tell me.

And then I will mercilessly make fun of you.