Archive for money

I’ll have what THOSE writers are having

Posted in So true with tags , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2012 by cwgala

GRIN #428

Have you ever bought a deal from Living Social, Groupon or Twongo?

Of course you have! Those deals are everywhere. I’m addicted to them, although my secret fear is they’re all going to go out of business (because, really, how does anyone make any money?) and I’ll be left with a vouchers for steak knives, teeth whitening and carpet cleaning.

Anyway, the writers of these deals have their hands full trying to entice customers with a snappy sales pitch that jumps right off the page.

Most of the time they succeed.

But sometimes they get a little punchy. If you have to write too many things, too fast and everything is expected to be clever and fabulous, you’re eventually going to start sounding like you’ve fallen down Alice’s rabbit hole or found some really good drugs.

Keep an eye out and you’ll see what I mean. I have fun trying to guess what they’re selling before reading more.

A few examples, coincidentally, or not, all from Groupon:

  • Neglected cars try to escape their owners by parking in tow zones or running away from their garages to join the demolition derby. Keep custody of your car with today’s Groupon to Neo Automotive. Uhhh, obedience lessons for your vehicle? 
  • America has always been the most extreme country, from the Boston Tea Punchings to having the first man swear on the moon. We hold this shredding guitar solo to be self-evident with today’s deal to the.…. No idea on this one.  Any guesses?
  • Last one: Unlike serpents, humans can’t subsist solely on their own tails. Consume endless dinners with today’s Groupon: for $10, you get buffet-style cuisine for two people during lunch or dinner at Golden Corral. Okay. I gave that one away, but I can’t get over the visual of humans subsisting on their own tails. Probably not quite the branding Golden Corral had in mind: “Come on in to the food trough, folks, and eat your ass off.”

What $5,000 looks like…

Posted in So true with tags , , on January 11, 2011 by cwgala

GRIN #353

I was hoping $5,000 would look like a vacation to
Italy, but as it turns out it’s a brand-new HVAC unit.

What’s your life worth?

Posted in Seriously? with tags , , , , , , , , on August 24, 2010 by cwgala

GRIN # 213

It’s priceless, right? I agree.

But, well. The life insurance guy wants a number.

Our 10-year term life insurance is getting ready to run out so Jerry and I are shopping for new policies. The fact that this event coincided with my horrible buffalo dong dinner the other night has raised eyebrows, but I swear I’m not planning anything. At least not until we get the policies straight.

Seriously, I’m kidding. Please don’t call the police. I am not plotting anything; I can’t even manage to get all my laundry done.

The other night Jerry printed out a Prudential form called “Life Insurance Quick Estimator” and handed it to me.

It’s the mammoth word problem from Hell. And there is nothing quick about it.

First you have to figure out 60 to 80 percent of your total incomes, then estimate your Social Security earnings. Next, subtract line 2 from line 1, and multiply line 3 by one of the numbers in line four. Following that is the cheerful task of figuring out your funeral costs and your kids’ college expenses and, if you’re realistic, your spouse’s dating expenses (that bastard!). Everything gets totaled up, but then you have to subtract line 12 from line 8 and don’t forget that inflation is 3 percent and the rate of return on most investments is assumed to be 6 percent.

Got that?

Yeah, me neither. I’m the one that got asked not to help with first grade math, remember? I think this is Jerry’s idea of a sick joke.

So how much do I need?

Let’s just say A friggin’ LOT and leave it at that.

Get your hand out of the collection plate!

Posted in So true with tags , , , on March 11, 2010 by cwgala

GRIN # 46

I’ve been trying to go to church. It’s another of those well-meaning New Year’s resolutions that I can feel slipping away. Just the cussing I do to get us there on time is on the verge of disqualifying me.

A few Sundays ago I let Tyler stay in the sanctuary with me instead of making him go to Sunday school. By the end of the service, he was rolling around in the pew, and I had feelings far from Christian. I contemplated clobbering him in front of the congregation, but didn’t want to disrupt the service anymore than we already had.

As the collection plate was passed, I motioned Tyler to put our offering on top. The gold plate landed gently in his arms and he contemplated it.

“Go ahead,” I urged gently, smiling at the usher with my best isn’t-he-darling smile. But Tyler decided he’d rather have that bill for himself, along with a few more, being that they were all piled so high and easily accessible. I stopped his free hand from pilfering and tried in vain to get him to release our contribution from the other.

“Put it in,” I whispered.

“But, I don’t want to…I want to keep it.”

I smiled again at the usher while the organ droned on. We were the last people in the last row, and the possibility that we were going to hold things up began to loom. My face got hot.

“PUT IT IN,” I hissed urgently in his ear, this time prying the bill from his hand and quickly giving the plate back to the usher, amid Tyler’s objections.

They say charity begins at home. I’m trying. But Tyler seems more intent than ever to hold onto dollars bills. The other day at the park I offered to buy him a lemonade from the vending machine, and he said he’d rather have the dollar instead.

So I’ve got saving covered. Giving? Not so much.